DWTS: Chubby men, Chaz, Cher and the cha cha cha

I am thankful that Chaz Bono was voted off–not because he was transgender, not because he was an overweight man, but because he could not dance. His dances lacked content and he lacked stage presence.

Hope Solo, who is famous in her own right because of her athletic skills as a soccer player, is ungainly and needs to learn how to walk in heels (I’m afraid she only knows heel lead and her pivoting skills are closer to basketball than ballroom), but she has a mega-watt smile. If she were really angry, she’s be frightening as well.

Bono had been treated kindly by the judges and he’s been whiny–about how much physical discipline hurts at his age. Yet he’s not the oldest person on stage. Ricki Lake is about the same age and overweight, but she can perform.  And you’d think with a war vet in the cast, Bono would zip his lip about his suffering.

Now Chaz Bono’s mother has jumped into the fray. Bono forgets that Bruno Tonioli was a professional dancer and he’s still in pretty good shape. He recently posed nude for a charity. I’m not sure why Cher decided to lash out at Len Goodman.

I COULD TEACH HIS LITTLE ARM WAVING ASS SOME MANNERS ! Critique CHAZ’S DANCE STYLE, MOVEMENTS ETC,.BUT DON’T MAKE FUN OF MY CHILD ON NAT.TV

IS IT DWTS Or LOOKING PERFECT WTS? ITS EASY 4 HIM 2 TAKE CHEAP SHOTS AT CHAZ ! LET HIM COME 2 “MY” STAGE

Enough time wasted on Bully Judge! The nite I was there I had GREAT TIME!I Loved watching every1! I was So excited ! Laughing,talking FUN!

As for the Older Gentleman ….every Show Needs A Grumpy Old Man !

Goodman and Tonioli have been kind, perhaps too kind to this Los Angeles-born kid who is acting spoiled. Tonioli didn’t call Bono a troll. He called him a penguin. A cute penguin. Men in tuxes have been called penguins before. Nothing new. Tonioli called someone else a penguin. You can see below.

Tonioli also called Bono an Ewok. That is the warmest and fuzziest creature in the Star Wars universe.

If this is seriously a question of talent, Cher should admit her son doesn’t have it. If not for his famous mother and father, he wouldn’t be there.

How did other chubby men get treated? Let’s look at a few of them.

Kyle Massey (b. 1991)

  • Season 11
  • Partner Lacey Schwimmer
  • Week 1: 23 (8,7,8) Cha cha cha
  • Week 2: 22 (8,7,7) Quickstep
  • Week 3: 23 (8,7,8) Waltz
  • Week 4:  18 (6,6,6) Rumba
  • Week 5: 20 (8,5,7) Foxtrot
  • Week 6: 23 (8,7,8) Tango
  • Week 7: 35 (10,9,8,8) Paso doble
  • Week 8: 27 (9,9,9) Viennese waltz
  • Week 8: 29 (10,9,10) Jive
  • Week 9: 29 (10,9,10) Samba
  • Week 9: 29 (10,9,10) Argentine tango
  • Week 10: 27 (9,9,9) Foxtrot
  • Week 10: 29 (10,9,10) Freestyle
Massey did well enough to make the finals and finished second. I don’t have time yet to check out Tonioli’s comments, but will try to post them later.

John Ratzenberger (b. 1947)

  • Season 4 (Spring 2007)
  • Partner Edyta Sliwinska
  • Sixth couple eliminated
  • Week 1: 17 (6,5,6) Cha cha cha
  • Week 2: 21 (7,7,7) Quickstep
  • Week 3: 20 (7,6,7) Tango
  • Week 4: 16 (6,5,5) Paso doble
  • Week 5: 18 (6,6,6) Samba
  • Week 6: 19 (7,6,6) Mambo
Ratzenberger had a week less time to prepare than his fellow competitors as a replacement. Carrie Ann Inaba called him “charismatic.” Tonioli and Goodman talked about heel lead, but thought he had content.
Ratzenberger was 60.  Tonioli said there was “plenty of life in the old wolf.” Inaba said he gave it pizzaz. Goodman was smiling, and said it was a great performance.
Goodman said Ratzenberger got into character well. Tonioli called it a mafioso tango.
Ratzenberger’s mother was sweet as apple pie.  Tonioli said he lacked Spanish lines and was a bit lost.  Goodman said he thought the dance didn’t suit him and the dance was “a bit of disaster.”
The samba wasn’t good either. Low on content. Tonioli said Ratzenberger “tapped into his inner child” and one of the “best worst” samba. Inaba stood and applauded him. Goodman thought he gave the character of the dance.
Inaba called him a “dancing teddy bear.” Goodman thought the actual routine was awful and that Ratzenberger waddled like a duck, but Goodman liked that he enjoyed himself. Tonioli compared the two to the owl and the pussycat.

Steve Wozniak (b. 1950)

  • Season 8 (Spring 2009)
  • Partner Karina Smirnoff
  • Fourth couple eliminated.
  • Week 1: 13 (5,4,4) cha cha cha
  • Week 2: 17 (6,5,6) Quickstep
  • Week 3: 10 (4,3,3) Samba
  • Week 4: 12 (4,4,4) Argentine tango
This dance was hard to watch. Goodman said he held his attention, but “overall it was a disaster.” Tonioli said it was “hilarious or delirious.” Inaba was encouraging. The Woz had fun.
The Woz had a fracture in his foot and wore a walking cast. Goodman thought he had the fun quality. Inaba enjoyed watching it. Tonioli compared him to WALL-E.
The Woz pulled a hamstring on Friday and still danced on Monday. Amazing. He did a knee walk and a worm. Inaba called him cute and adorable, but disliked the lack of content. Goodman thought the “dances are killing you” and the dance was terrible from start to finish. Tonioli called it the worst samba he had ever seen.
Inaba couldn’t find something positive to say. Goodman admired his spirit. Tonioli thought it “really stunk.”
WORST DANCERS
Master P (b. 1967)
  • Season 2 (Winter 2006)
  • Partner Ashly DelGrosso
  • Fourth couple eliminated
  • Winner: Drew Lachey and Cheryl Burke
  • Week 1: 12 (4,4,4) Cha cha cha
  • Week 2: 16 (6,5,5) Quickstep
  • Week 3: 14 (6,4,4) Jive
  • Week 4: 8 (4, 2, 2) Paso doble
  • Winner: Apolo Anton Ohno and Julianne Hough
Master P only had one week to prepare.  Tonioli compared Master P to an Emperor penguin.  Goodman thought he had good posture, but needed to practice. Goodman wanted to see Master P in ballroom shoes.
Goodman told him to get real dance shoes. Inaba called him heavy-footed. Tonioli said the “dancer is starting to emerge.”
Inaba thought he gave effort but not enough content. Tonioli found it was the “ghost of rock n’ roll” and not up to the level they were looking for. Goodman called it “ponderous” and thought it was time that this show and Master P parted.
Tonioli called it a nightmare as if Master P was a lost child on the dance floor. Goodman thought it was cruel to the judges and everyone for his fans to bring Master P back.
Buzz Aldrin (b. 1930)
  • Season 10 (Spring 2010)
  • Week 1: 14 (5,4,5) Cha cha cha
  • Week 2: 12 (4,4,4) Foxtrot
  • Week 3: 13 (5,4,4) Waltz
  • Winner: Nicole Scherzinger and Derek Hough
Goodman commended him for his bravery on the dance floor. Tonioli asked how could he criticize a hero, but commented it looked like Aldrin still had his moon boots on.
Inaba called it tender and charming. Goodman just said Aldrin inspired people. Tonioli thought Aldrin looked like he was avoiding moon craters on the dance floor.
Tonioli thought Aldrin was regal when he was standing still. Inaba thought the storytelling was touching. Goodman found it had an innocent charm but the technique was poor and the routine oversimplified.

Michael Bolton (b. 1953)

  • Season 11 (Fall 2010)
  • Partner Chelsea Hightower
  • Week 1: 16 (6,5,5) Viennese waltz
  • Week 2: 12 (4,5,3) Jive
  • Winner: Jennifer Grey and Derek Hough
Inaba thought Bolton needed to smile and provide the frame. Goodman thought he had musicality and good posture. Tonioli told Bolton he needed to relax.
Goodman found the dance didn’t fit him. Tonioli said “it was a doggy mess of a jive” and this was the “worst jive in 11 seasons.”

About Jana J. Monji

I've written for the Rafu Shimpo, LA Weekly, LA Times and, more recently, the Pasadena Weekly. I formerly worked for a dot-com more interested in yodeling than its customers.

Posted on October 27, 2011, in Chaz Bono, Kyle Massey, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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